Maintaining a relationship with an avoidant partner can be challenging. However, it is possible to improve communication through active listening and fostering a sense of safety.
Characteristics of avoidant individuals include fear of emotional intimacy and difficulty expressing their emotions. They may also play mind games with their partners to test how strong the bond is.
1. Active Listening
The key to communication in any relationship is listening. But the act of listening takes on a whole new level when dealing with avoidant partners. They tend to distance themselves as a way of self-soothing and have a deep fear of losing themselves, so it’s essential that you listen without judgement, personalising what they say or defensively planning your response to prove a point.
Listening is also about being open to the fact that they may express their feelings in ways you don’t normally do, such as by withdrawing or becoming clingy. Accepting that they’re trying to communicate their needs and emotions in a different way can make it easier for you to understand them.
Active listening is also about focusing on the positives and being respectful of their boundaries. Avoidant individuals can become triggered by even small acts of criticism, so it’s important to be aware of how you’re communicating and to only criticise in a productive way that will help them grow as an individual.
Learning to recognise their needs and wants can help you build trust. It’s also crucial to remember that their desire for intimacy does not necessarily mean they are insecure or that they do not love you. Their need for space is simply a means to protect their emotional safety net and allows them time to self-soothe and return to a baseline state.
Avoidant individuals can be triggered by unexpected situations that can cause them to feel overwhelmed and out of control. The more you and your partner can learn to recognise these stress triggers, the better equipped you will be to work through them together. This will also allow your partner to practise vulnerability in a safe and supportive environment, which can lead to deeper connection and trust.
2. Be Patient
Avoidant people typically have a distancing pattern that can feel frustrating when you try to make close connections. However, it’s important to remember that this behavior was a defense mechanism in their childhood and it helped them feel safe when the environment felt unsafe.
In some cases, you might be able to encourage a change in their attachment style by providing positive affirmations and support. While this may not be easy, it’s worth the effort because you will be able to build a relationship with your partner that provides safety and stability for both of you.
Be patient and allow your partner to open up at their own pace. It’s a good idea to create an emotionally safe space for discussion and avoid statements that are potentially triggering, such as “I feel like you always have something better to do.” Instead, compliment your partner on specific behaviors and be sure to use “I” statements rather than blaming them for the way they respond.
It’s also important to let your partner know that you value their independence. One of their biggest triggers is feeling like they are dependent on you, so it’s important to show them that you have your own interests outside of the relationship. You can do this by spending time on your own hobbies or with other friends. This also applies outside of a relationship, this is how to make a dating profile.
Another way to help your partner build trust in the relationship is by establishing regular check-ins that are calm and non-emotional. These discussions are a great opportunity for you to give your partner feedback about their behavior and remind them of your love for them. While this is not an instant solution to improving your relationship, over time it can help avoidant partners feel less defensive about emotional discussions and more comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings.
3. Be Honest
Although it’s tempting to be defensive or sarcastic when your avoidant partner acts a little strange, it can really hurt the relationship. Angry, defensive reactions to their behavior are likely to make the situation worse and can trigger their fight or flight mechanism even more. Instead, try to reframe your communication and share your positive intentions in a non-threatening way, like making their favorite meal or watching a movie they enjoy.
Radical honesty is a communication strategy that involves telling the truth without fear of causing pain or embarrassment to others, says Dr. Romanoff. For example, if your partner gets a new haircut that you don’t like, it may be hard to admit that you dislike it. However, being honest about your feelings can help the both of you understand each other better and create a more compassionate environment.
It’s important to remember that, despite their aloof and distant behavior, an avoidant partner can still love you deeply. They are just not always ready to admit it or show it. When they are, they may do things such as suggest dates and show physical affection.
Often, their refusal to be vulnerable or open up is a coping mechanism they use in response to difficult early relationships. They may have been abandoned by their parents or have experienced some type of emotional trauma. This is why it’s so crucial to communicate your desire for a deeper relationship with patience and compassion. They need to know that you love them and will not abandon them or turn away from them. But, if they consistently refuse to work on their issues and can’t provide the level of security you need in a relationship, it may be time to walk away.
4. Be Compassionate
It’s important to be compassionate and understand that avoidant partners act the way they do because of their own fears. They want to be loved, but they may be afraid of being vulnerable and of losing connection. They may have experienced trauma in their past that makes them feel unsafe. It’s important to recognize this and provide them with a safe space where they can be themselves.
Avoidant people in relationships can be difficult to get to know and work with. They often lack emotional regulation and rely on self-sabotaging behaviors to cope with their anxiety. It’s important to understand these patterns and use active listening, which is a powerful communication strategy for dealing with avoidant partners. It can help them trust you, and you’ll be able to communicate with them effectively.
You can also show compassion by avoiding criticism or blaming them for their behavior. Instead, you can explain to them that you’re aware of their fear and that you want to be in a loving relationship. It’s also important to respect their boundaries. This will encourage them to talk about their emotions in a safe environment.
In a healthy relationship, both partners need to be able to complete their own needs. However, if your partner’s inability to connect with you is preventing them from meeting their own needs, it might be time to find someone else who can meet those needs. If you’re still struggling to overcome this challenge, consider working with a licensed marriage and family therapist. Katharyn Engers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has 4 years of experience helping couples overcome their challenges. She specializes in attachment-based disorders, and her clients have found her approach to be effective.
5. Be Flexible
Avoidant partners tend to hyper-focus on negatives, so it’s important to be flexible and focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. This can be something as simple as praising them for their successes and reminding them that you love them, or it could involve talking about your stress triggers and how to manage them together.
Some of the most common avoidant behaviors are difficult to understand and can be misinterpreted as signs of anger or rejection. This is why it’s important to clarify what you need from your partner and what you expect from them in terms of intimacy.
Be patient with your partner as they work through their fear of intimacy and retrain themselves to accept closeness and trust. It’s also important to remember that, while they may appear flighty, avoidant partners want emotional intimacy. It’s just that, as children, they were unable to experience this, and so it is a very scary thing for them.
While avoidant people are not always able to communicate their feelings, they can often express them in unexpected ways. These “secret languages” of affection might be a little confusing at first, but they can be valuable clues that your partner is attempting to connect with you.
When you have an effective communication system, it’s important to be patient and let your avoidant partner get comfortable with intimacy at their own pace. Trying to force an immediate shift in behavior can only make them feel defensive and push back against your efforts. Ultimately, it’s a process for both of you, but it’s a journey that can lead to an amazing, loving connection with someone who is truly one of a kind.